You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Before & after 😅
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.