*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
You Might Also Like
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
5 ways to appear taller
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]