I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
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There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.