words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.