13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.