Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*offers Batman cough drops*
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.