My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.