mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
The little toadstool has spoken.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?