Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My dream job is getting paid to dream
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.