So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.