My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon