* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My dog learned how to text
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Gods work.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.