why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again