Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
next question.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*