When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…