I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together