Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Every house has this drawer
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.