Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance