Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”