Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My purse is deeper than some people.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?