[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I don’t know what to do
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Just me and my debit card against the world
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?