Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
the saddest jazz hands ever
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
🏙👨🏼
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.