Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!
[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce