Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“Wait, let me explain..”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
kids play hide and seek like
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites