Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.


Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”


I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.


Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.


I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.


I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops