When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?