When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The “baby” on the left….
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.