[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.