Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
You Might Also Like
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.