Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout