My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.