Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.