First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
You Might Also Like
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Monica just destroyed the internet
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”