Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.