publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Awesome parenting 😂
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit