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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.