Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Smile they said.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I would move hell over six inches for you
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.