Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.