Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.