In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
accurate
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together