[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?