Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
You Might Also Like
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..