Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.