The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I didn’t come here to be called names
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
This is enough internet for the day.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?