Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️