Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock