I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.