A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
![]()
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
britain’s three elite institutions
![]()
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
(Jupiter –
![]()
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.