My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
You Might Also Like
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence