i prefer mine room temperature.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Smooooooth
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.