I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
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Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
See..?
.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years