I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?