If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
notice
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano