Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.