Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
knights of the ikea table
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m a carb girl, born and bread