it is time once again
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Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted