The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
You Might Also Like
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
remember
only for emergencies
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Somebody’s lying.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”