boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You Might Also Like
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
This hospital has everything
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*